The news of the horror in Connecticut yesterday came to me around noon yesterday, from a call from my sitemate Kimberly, who had just seen the breaking news in an internet cafe. My family has installed cable on our TV, so we were actually able to watch a few hours of CNN in English in the afternoon.
I'm not sure I can explain how emotional I feel about yesterday, because I think my feelings are tied not only to the event but also to the difficulty in processing something like that from my current living situation. I am so, so incredibly frustrated with my host family right now, but it's not their fault. Today also happens to be the central day of a two-week long ceremony/celebration of their family's patron saint, so the house is full of guests and about 5 turkeys are being prepared in the kitchen for the huge party they are throwing tonight. In particular, my host sister has been absurdly unaware and insensitive to my feelings about this event. When the international news reported (only briefly) on the event last night (with some errors in the facts), my sister gave a sneer and shrug and said, "yeah, well that's normal in the United States." With wide eyes and a loud voice, I responded to her (in front of her friends) that NO, this is not normal. There have been an unacceptable number of mass shootings in recent years in the United States, but killing 20 CHILDREN between the ages of 5 and 10 years old is NOT NORMAL in the United States. She actually argued back about this, acting like many other Peruvians I have come in contact with who think they know as much or more about the United States than I do. This perception of the United States as a country where it is unsurprising to have a mass of kindergarteners shot at close range absolutely breaks me. And, judging by the discourse on the news and social media, Mayra may actually have a more accurate reading of the United States than I do-- if we let this horror pass without changing some people's minds and making significant reforms to our laws regarding mental health screenings and access to assault weapons and unlimited ammunition, I will just not know who we are as a country...
I came to the decision that I will be miserable if I stay in Monsefu and attend my family's party tonight (where there will be lots of forced dancing and drinking and annoying questions about me and why I don't find a Peruvian to marry). So, I am accompanying my family in the procession of their saint to the church, I will sit through Mass, and then I am going into Chiclayo to be with other Volunteers who are in town for the night. I explained to my host mom that I'm going through a hard time and I need to be with other Volunteers tonight, because I will not be able to withstand the party. She seemed somewhat understanding, but it's hard to tell. My host sister then walked by room as she saw me packing and asked, "Are you coming to Mass or are you going out?" ...with a bit of malice in her voice. We had a small fight last week about something unrelated that might still be there under the surface.
Tomorrow I'm going to spend with Volunteers too, hopefully avoiding the "second day" of the party... yes, all ages of adults are expected to drink themselves stupid tonight and then wake up early tomorrow to continue imbibing the spirits of of this religious celebration. Sorry for the sound of judgement in my words, I love my family, but the drinking goes too far sometimes.
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I just got back from Mass. I had a bit of a breakdown there, which in some ways is making me feel better. Also, those family members who saw me now understand a little bit more that I am sincerely upset (except for my host sister who continues to be an ice queen), which I suppose is a good thing. I'm really shafting my family by not being at the party that is so important to them tonight and tomorrow, but I hope they'll understand.
I also apologize for the lack of updates on my blog recently, it hasn't been for a lack of things happening here (and with my family in the States). However, some of the things I planned to write about are complicated and at this point have stayed as half-written blogs. Hopefully I'll be able to finish some of them soon.
